Stop Appeasing “Crazy Parents”: The Club-Coach Playbook (Inspired by Ben Askren)

Running a wrestling club (or any youth program) comes with an unavoidable reality: parents have opinions. Some are helpful. Some are intense. And some will push hard for exceptions, shortcuts, and special treatment.

In a Wisdom Wednesday video, wrestling coach Ben Askren delivers a blunt message to club owners: stop appeasing parents. When you “pacify by giving in to demands,” you don’t create peace—you teach families to pressure you more, and you slowly weaken your culture.

This post pulls the best ideas from Ben’s 17-minute talk and turns them into a quick, usable framework for coaches who want a better room, better buy-in, and fewer headaches.

Stop Appeasing Crazy Parents!!! — Ben Askren (YouTube)

The big idea: Standards beat debates

Ben’s core point is simple: your job isn’t to renegotiate your program every week. Your job is to set standards and coach.

When you set clear standards and enforce them consistently, two things happen. The right families buy in (the ones who want structure, development, and a real system). The wrong families self-select out (the ones who need constant exceptions to feel satisfied). That isn’t being harsh. It’s how you protect the room.

Why appeasement backfires fast

Here’s the trap most coaches fall into. A parent pushes for an exception. You give in once to keep the peace. Now they believe pressure works. They push again, harder. They tell other parents you’ll cave if they complain enough.

Ben’s point is that appeasement scales badly. It multiplies the exact behavior you’re trying to avoid.

The common parent demands Ben calls out (and what to do instead)

Ben gives a handful of examples that show up in almost every club. The details may vary, but the principle is the same: protect commitment and protect your system.

Drop-ins: “Can my kid just pop in whenever?”

Ben says he hates drop-ins and doesn’t allow them. Drop-ins encourage athletes to be uncommitted and bounce around. They make it harder to run a progression-based system because you never know who was there last week and who is missing key pieces. They also create pressure to cater to the least invested athlete, which is unfair to the kids who consistently show up and do the work.

A better approach is to require a clear commitment. If you offer a trial, make it structured (a defined start and end date), and keep your main training groups for members who are bought into the plan.

All-star pressure: “Go recruit outside kids so we win.”

Ben calls out the clubs that pick up athletes from elsewhere to win a duel event while the paying members—who show up every day—get pushed aside. That sends a message to your core families: loyalty doesn’t matter.

A better approach is to dance with the ones in your room. Reward attendance and buy-in. Let your room culture be the advantage, not last-minute roster shopping.

“Move my kid up—he’s too good for that group.”

Ben’s stance is that group placement is part of the system, not a parent vote. Some parents push for an early move-up for status, not development.

A better approach is to have a clear move-up policy. Use coach-led evaluations on a consistent schedule (monthly or quarterly). When parents ask, your response stays steady: we reassess at set times, and we place athletes based on what’s best for long-term development.

“You need to train them harder.”

Sometimes “harder” is a parent’s emotional preference for intensity, or the belief that more grind automatically equals more improvement. Ben’s counterpoint is to look at results and trust the system.

A better approach is to define what “hard training” means in your program: consistent attendance, high-quality reps, purposeful live, age-appropriate strength and conditioning, and recovery that keeps kids improving instead of burning out.

“We’ll pay extra for special treatment.”

Ben mentions the “money talks” parent who offers to pay more for extra access, extra privates, special exceptions, or priority treatment. His point is simple: special treatment breaks culture. Once you create a two-class system (VIPs and everyone else), trust and morale collapse.

A better approach is to set boundaries around privates, coach access, and opportunities. Commitment and effort should determine opportunity, not money or pressure.

What you gain when you stop appeasing

Ben argues that holding standards creates a major long-term advantage. You get more buy-in from families who want a real system. You deal with less drama because chronic complainers don’t stick around. Athlete development improves because your plan stays intact. And you enjoy coaching more because you coach instead of negotiate.

He also makes a hard-but-true point: the parents who demand the most are often the least loyal. Even if you appease them multiple times, they’ll leave the moment they think somewhere else offers a better deal. Instead of chasing their approval, build a culture that attracts the families you actually want.

A simple “No-Drama Standards” checklist you can steal

First, publish your standards. Create a one-page program standards document that clearly explains attendance expectations, group placement rules, competition philosophy, communication boundaries, and a line like: we do not make exception-based decisions.

Second, build policies that remove negotiation. Examples include no drop-ins (or structured trials only), a minimum membership term, team selection based on attendance and eligibility, and move-ups only during scheduled evaluation windows.

Third, use scripts so you don’t improvise under pressure. Keep a few copy-and-paste responses ready, like: “We apply the same standards to everyone, so we won’t be making exceptions.” Or: “Group placement is coach-determined, and we reassess during scheduled evaluations.” Or: “Our program requires consistency to work; if that doesn’t fit right now, no hard feelings.”

Fourth, track the culture, not just the medals. Monitor retention, attendance percentage, progression notes, and competition outcomes as a lagging indicator. The goal isn’t to win every weekend. The goal is to build athletes and protect the room.

Final thought

You don’t need to be a famous coach to run a standards-based program. You just need to decide what you believe, communicate it clearly, and hold the line. The families who want real development will respect you for it. And the ones who want control will move on—freeing you to coach the athletes who are truly committed.